I know and I realize that I'm now in the situation where I supposed to be not regreting all what have done. I still have much people who love me sincerely. Mommy, Mbak Nina my lovely sister and her kids, My O who always keeps in love and caring of me and avails all my needs, Khansa, Dhea, Dinny, Nenden, Ruli, and my new kind neighbors here. Beloved people, well fed, well living-house, well finance. All my needs are front of me. But.. But sometimes, everything feels so blur. I can't lying my self that I am so sad. I have made the biggest mistake in my life that I couldn't tell here.
Desperate. Pathetic. Aversion. Hate. Sad. Anger. Confution. Worry. Scared. Happy and many others. All that things are blending together, feel all parts in my soul. In my mind. Haunting my nights and days. Expel all composure and tranquillity. Make me so hard to breath.
Oh God I wanna cry. I wanna die. I hate my self. I hate an opportunity. I hate all things that supported me to do that f*ckin mistake. I've been following by the shadows of regret. And everytime I remember one piece of memories at my sweet home, it's so hard for me to breath. Instead it's worst that I could cry for hours.
I love my self, I love my life, I love all people who love me much. I just.. I just want to say "I'm sorry.. Forgive me please, all.. I'm sorry I can't be the one who makes you all proud. I can't be the one who can be told to your children and next generation as a good people. I'm sorry.."
With love,
Fikriya Umami
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